I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

When everything seems to be coming your way, maybe you're in the wrong lane.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.